Monday, December 28, 2009

Thieves Jargon 196

Issue 196 went live sometime over Christmas weekend, and it's a good one. Love the expat and the Russian girl in Tanya's Bare Legs, and the JS Khan's demon monoglogue. Caroline Kepnes always brings her fastball, and Carl Miller Daniels is as gay as ever.

Dig it.


mather said...

Nothing like links to your own site.

Matt DiGangi said...

No shit dude I'm so shallow, what a dickhead!

Detector said...
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mather said...

I'll bet he could dig up a youtube clip that would give the memorial just the right poignancy.

mather said...

I guess no one is reading the actual stories. Maybe a link needs to be put into the comments section too? Just keep pushing them back to that which they originally thought repugnant. Eventually they'll get used to it. All that I once detested, has now become delicious to me, Andre Gide.

Hey where's Crackers? Or is Detector Crackers?

Detector said...
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mather said...

This is for Steve Young. You accused me of "carpet bombing" my submissions. I don't keep track of my subs very accurately, but I know I didn't send out more than 75submissions in 2009. Then I read on HTML GIANT that J.A. Tyler, local hero, submitted 750! Now that's fucking carpet bombing.

Detector said...
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mather said...

Why not, nothing else is going on around here.

Detector said...
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mather said...

I don't know what to tell you. HTML GIANT is definitely active, but so corporate wannabe and academic minded I can't take it seriously. I simply WON'T comment there anymore. Even if I could. Ha.

andy.riverbed said...

goddamn you little bitches.

this is like a bad beckett ripoff.

you guys standing in your own pile of shit? does it smell bad? does it turn you on? are you wet on the outside as well as the in? are you listening to godsmack? are you contemplation spirituality, therefore suicide?

Detector said...
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Major Bummer said...

Seriously, Mather. Go away. Just because people do not comment on the stories here does not mean that they aren't reading them. What the general silence here probably means is that no one wants to engage in a conversation involving your person. If you really cannot understand why people kick you off their sites then you are just never going to understand. You are not waging some kind of virtuous "rebel with a cause" war here, I assure you. You also have a bad inferiority complex. No one cares. If I was in the same room with you I would have to open all the windows just to be able to breath. You are forty-something and you act like a twelve year old. And plenty of people are published at Thieve's Jargon who are not "established." Ugh. Almost a year ago in the archives you promised never to come back b/c you were so disgusted with Thieves Jargon. Please follow through. Go away.

Anonymous said...

it's true. i don't like you either mathers.

Spencer Troxell said...

I like Carl Miller Daniels's non-sex stuff a lot better than his sex stuff. Sexual taboos are really easy to exploit, and a really fluffy way to compel (some) people to read on. I like the other stuff better because I think Carl could shit poetry about young men and their dicks all day long. I get the feeling he has to work harder at the other stuff, and I respect hard work.

Was there a pun in that last sentence?

mather said...

I guess that means you don't want to go to the dance with me on Friday night, Major Bummer? Anonymous?

Anonymous said...

I agree his other poems show more craft. The repetition he engages in with doesn't do anything for me, either (in both Delicacy and Hypno-Therapy). The "sexy, sexed-up" and the "svelte sexy" etcetera. It's feels more expository than poetic. That whole "show don't tell" thing. The best part of "Delicacy," in my opinion, is the juxtaposition of the title with the poem.

not mathers said...

referencing a link from the main page of this site... but i thought this review of tao lin's latest was pretty spot on. and his new book, entitled, richard yates? are we serious? that's sort of funny but annoying in the same way monochrome abstract expressionist paintings are, a la, clayton still. word.

mather said...

Daniels has been gay for a long time, as DiGangi noted. He has been fantasizing about the sexy blond boys and their wet dicks for 30 years. It seems boring to me.

renaissance jones said...

I Forgive You Mather by Steve Y.

Christ what a horrific
job for a body
with a poetic soul

Where are the pimps and whores?
Oh no
nothing so romantic as that

Only the half formed
the half dead
the half of humanity
that can make Billy Graham
shake his fist at god

Where are the strippers and dealers?
Oh no
never as interesting as that

Only clockwork tides of
those among us that are so far
gone they are unable
to figure out something
as complicated as
a bus schedule

The shift starts with
saintly sympathy only to
end with an amazement
at your hatred for every single one of them
With their free ride county vouchers
begging for help with walkers and groceries
and up the stairs and why the
fuck do all these crippled
beggars always live on the second floor?

Where are the drunken revelers?
Oh they are there
But they are children
They don’t drink
like you and your friends
They have money to take cabs from
Scottsdale to Tempe
and back
They are overfed and chubby
They desperately search for the
latest pop song
on the latest
pop station
They turn it up loud
They scream “I Love This Song!”
then throw up in their own mouths
They are the haves
You are the have nots
Her jeans cost two hundred dollars
The fare is eight dollars
They wait for the change from a ten

When all is said and done
After you give the cab a
required wash and vacuum
After you fill it with the allotted gas
After the yard dogs inspect your
work like cops with a mag-lite
You approach the cage at five a.m.
on Tuesday morning

You made one hundred and eleven dollars
That is less than ten dollars an hour

No wonder you are such a prick

mather said...

Man, you need to switch to nights.

Major Bummer said...

Who ever thought Mather,
Such a sad poetaster,
would ever traffic
in the guise of a muse?
Ferrying flaccid verse
And crippled children,
lame geezers and wretched
women, his obsessions
have run amok. Shake
the dice, note the results:
it's zero every time.
No mather: for with dunce cap
cocked and mouth open
like an anus runneth
Over, even retards are shamed
To admit him to their number.

Detector said...
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used to be mathers said...

ren. jones i like your piece. it's fun. although the line "clockwork tide" paused me. i think it sounds nice together. but in my head i can't help thinking tides, in their nature, are more clockwork that actual clocks. it gained some nice speed at the end and was galloping quite smoothly.

on a side note, mathers is a poor man's justin hyde, who does what he does and makes no shame about it but does it very well. and i think has stopped complaining so much in his poems. where mathers complains on message boards that he's the real deal and what not.

dectector is right. it's not cool to comment derisively on the mentally challenged. to use the word retard in another way is fine, like, the dam has retarded the flow of the river.

Matt DiGangi said...

Detector: TJ Press needed a break while I was in school, just didn't have the time to do all that work. One of the first things I learned in school was that it's foolish to try and run a full-scale publishing operation on your own. Right now I'm sniffing around, thinking about starting a new publishing operation with another person.'

Mather: JA Tyler is several times the writer you are.

Detector: That previous message board was getting abused, and I wanted to have something that I could add google's tracking widget to. I might look into some open source messageboard solutions in the future.

Riverbed: I'ma hit you up soon.

Spencer: I like Daniels better when he's stretching himself with the imagery ("Undomesticated") more than shower whackoffs myself.

Renaissance: Great poem.

Major Bummer: Good poem.

Detector: I let you get away with more shit than just about everybody else until you started fucking with my family and I didn't call you on being a racist until you quit using your writing to make your points and went too far in the wrong direction. Any time you get upset about somebody saying "retard" (and it's never once been me), I can think of dozens of worse things you've said.

mather said...

I'd say J.A. Tyler is several HUNDRED times the writer I am. I am in no way in his league. I don't even know if that's spelled right. Looks funny.

Steve, that's not really very good, but probably publishable. Try Rusty Truck.

mather said...

Major Bummer, I don't even know what to say. I'm glad to see you've been keeping up on my work. I particularly liked "ferrying flaccid verse" day I hope to write a line so fine...

Detector said...
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pepsi said...

i generaly cringe when people quote dylan before stories.

Spencer Troxell said...
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mather said...

Easy, pepsi, this is a nice friendly blog here, we don't need no troublemakers...

mathers forever said...

generally speaking, i try not to think in generalities. that said, the quote doesn't seem necessary to me either, but it does work in setting a note of despair right off. it also prepares for crazy "thought-dreams." different strokes, imo.

was this submitted as a poem or a fiction? what is this?

Matt DiGangi said...

Looks like fiction to me. I tend not to believe in the prose poem.

Detector said...

Matt DiGangi you are really missing out by not living in NYC. All these crappy lit mags and presses are coming out of Williamsburg publishing stupid hipster crap fiction and actually generating money just cuz hipsters will buy whatever other hipsters make. Move to Brooklyn and make Thieves Jargon print.

blow said...

get a brklyn liaison to do your dirty work. preferably some chic chick with tight jeans, bangs, square rimmed glasses and a stripped shirt. also she should probably hate mathers, cause he aint hip. and maybe a headband for her. she should also be pretty easy but not that easy. can't be that hard.

Matt DiGangi said...

Blow, sounds spot on, but how about tattoos?

I'm too old to move to NYC for the first time, if I had my life together 7 years ago and knew what I wanted to do maybe I would have gone there instead of California.

Detector, why aren't you working that scene? If Bradley Sands could pull it off in Northampton, I'm sure you could rock it in Long Island. It's got to be easier for writers than it is for publishers any day of the week.

mathers' lover said...

nyc is pretty magical. but so is utah.

mather said...

A local poetry professor challenged me to a poetry contest between the two of us, and I lost. Both poems are up on my blog and comments invited.

cactus nipple said...

they are both so completely terrible in such complete opposite ways that you both should have been disqualified and forced to drink each others semen.

i also don't believe in the "prose poem." without the prose poem, poetry is obsolete. and with it, it isn't poetry, thus, you are both disqualified.

i actually sort of keep wanting to like you mather. but then you disappoint me all the time.

detector, true or false, lady gaga is better (more awesome) than katy perry.

mather said...

Cactus nipple actually sort of keeps wanting to like me. Things are lookin up!

Detector said...

Cactus Nipple I have actually had this discussion many times with my best friend (who is sadly a 17 year old girl).

Lady Ga Ga is way too overdone. I admit she plays about five instruments while Katy Perry only plays guitar but based on songwriting, catchiness, and originality Katy Perry blows her away.

Katy Perry's live perormances are like a mix between a Sarah Silerman comedy set/an old school Madonna show/ and a burlesque striptease that makes Dita Von Teese look ugly in comparison.

Katy Perry's voice is so much more unique than Lady Ga Ga's. Katy Perry is the closest their has ever been to a real life incarnation of both Babs Bunny and Britanny the chipette. Katy Perry's legs and boobs are so awesome that from now on any other female's body parts can only be seen in the light of her body parts. The new way of judging females bodies will be to ask, "How close are they to matching Katy Perry's?"

Russell Brand is the luckiest fucking bastard to have ever lived. He gets to fuck her every night.

Digangi I actually live in Brooklyn now but in the ghetto ass jamaican part. There aren't any hipsters around.

I do clean David Letterman's toilet every night and that's probably the closest I'll ever get to any sort of creative success.

Detector said...

Personally I have never been a fan out poetry and the only poem I have ever enjoyed reading was Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath. If you've ever had the chance to see photos of Plath you would also notice that she had a great pair of legs.

Anyway I have read all the stuff regarding Mathers and that pervy poetry professor.

All I can say is that the Mather poem was better if only by default because the perv guy couldn't help trying to pull-off some sort of wannabe Gregory Corso crap when even being the actual Gregory Corso was lame and pretentious enough on its own.

Anyway I took a million poetry courses at Loyola, which is probably a far more respectable university than this douchebag teaches at and even there the poetry professors were all pathetic drunks and wannabes. Their only glory was forcing students to buy their crappy poetry books as part of the required reading for the course they taught.

I mean what kind of jackassery is having to write a 20 page essay on the signifigance of dashes in Emily Dickinson's poetry? Only a pathetic drunk could think that her dashes warrant twenty pages.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

#1 Fan said...

Detector I am your biggest fan. I think you are so witty and clever. I think it is so cool how ironical your name is, since you always project yourself as not even being able to ferret out your own shit. Keep it up.I expect you to show up those lesser talents any day now. Was this last post written to purposefully make us think you were drunk when you wrote it? Awesome. When you say lesser talents, do you mean Mathers and his Professor enemy or someone else? When I was a young lad I remember watching a movie with an actor who played a mentally challenged person and really thought he was a real dummy in real life til my Pappy said to me, he said: "son, those who play stupid people have to be purtty smart. They sure ain't near as retarded as they seem." Well, Detector love, that's just how I feel about you.

#1 Fan said...


please send me a picture of your legs or post them on this site. Are those your legs on the cover of Dollhouse? You seem so dreamy! I am jealous if mathers is really your lover!

#2. said...

#1 fan, detector didn't write dollhouse. that was mike boyle. it seemed you were implying that, sorry if you weren't. you're odd, however.

Detector said...

Something I did or said must have really gotten under this guy's skin.

Detector said...
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Anonymous said...

Detector's (Jeff Kane's) stories are really awesome though. Probably some of my favorite writing in TJ.

You can call me fan #3.

At least he does writing outside of just insulting people on message boards.

amanda perkins said...

based on his comments here, i'd probably never read a jeff t kane story. i think that's an example of how a blog, and or 'publicity' can have a detrimental effect on your readership. same goes for mathers. the only reason i would read his "poetry" would be to criticize him, if, by chance, i did like it, it would have to be an incredibly good poem to overcome the amount of idiocy, immaturity, and annoyance i've associated him with.

andy.riverbed said...

i think kane's pretty funny.

mather's funny, but he doesn't try to be. he tries to be critical and makes me laugh.

kane, we're ( playing williamsburg the 19th at don pedro's, which is where the puerto rican ghetto begins. you think you can make it out?

Detector said...
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Matt DiGangi said...

The legs belonged to an ex girlfriend, sigh.

Detector said...

There's plenty of fish in the sea DiGangi.

mather said...

Jesus, Detector, you have just ruined my image of you, kissing up to DiGangi and The Riverbed like that.

As far as Perkins goes, it looks like I have not cornered the 17 year old girl demographic like I thought I had. Back to the fucking drawing board.

I do agree those are nice legs and something to be mourned. (Kiss up).

fan said...

mathers you are the sickest fucking poet ever. better than bukowski on acid and helen keller before she knew the sign for water.

amanda perkins said...

I am not 17 Mather. And I don't think you have cornered any market, keep trying though. How many people bought your last poetry release, by the way?

Detector said...

You should see my ex wife's legs. They are fucking awesome.

andy.riverbed said...

i like to corner 17 year-old girls in bookstores and then ask them if they need help looking for anything

amanda perkins said...

omg, how good was katy perry on american idol tonight?

Detector said...

Wait was she really on American Idol last night? Shit I can't believe I missed it. What song did she do?

tweaked said...

she was like a judge and shit. and she and that new paula chick were all bitchy at each other. they were occupying the same niche but katy perry is younger and better looking so the older milf-brunette hated on her.

Detector said...

I watched it on youtube. That was so awesome. Katy Perry is awesome. She should have her own tv show.

crackers said...

no new threads in over a month. weak shit man. weak shit.

Matt DiGangi said...

And no new issue either. We're falling off.

Detector said...

Katy Perry should be a guest editor.

Matt DiGangi said...

Line it up.

smackers said...

and maybe the late great jd after that.

DiGang said...

I read that book at an impressionable age but it didn't leave much of an impression on me. Maybe that explains a lot.

ceej said...

i liked catcher. the bannana fish story was pretty good. but the other story collections, like 'raise high the roofbeams...' i didn't care for.

Detector said...

I hated it when I read it in high school but when I read it as an adult I loved it. But I don't really get why it's held so highly above a lot of other novels of that time. Patricia Highsmith's novels of the 50's are much better novels dealing with alienation. I really feel there's so much sexism in the academic view of American Literature I mean I've read all the greats and if I had to pick the best American writers I would hold Shirley Jackson, Flannery O'Connor, and Highsmith in a lot higher regard that people like Updike or Salinger.

I took a class recently on the short stories of Flannery O'Connor and John Updike and it was just a chore getting through his after reading hers. They just seemed so bland in comparison.

passionpit said...

updike writes about bland everyday domestic situations. and it's not that i necessarily find it interesting (i don't), but something about it makes me want to turn the page.

Major Bummer said...

I believe that if you have to wait a bit before putting out an issue simply for quality reasons then that's no big deal. I would rather see the best fiction and poetry coming out of Thieves Jargon consistently even if it is a couple days(or even a couple weeks) late than weaker material being delivered consistently on time.

Shoot for maintaining quality first, then maintaining schedule. Contrary to some, It is better to put the best stuff up always rather than publishing those who are previously unpublished or banging more often (and loudly) at your door.

mather said...

I liked the Goosey poem. Good imagery, good sound, good energy and good ending.

mather said...

The misscarriage of the crone is, however, el stinko.

mather said...

My book is finally out.

Hey Steve the gem show's going on down here in Tucson and us cabbies are making BANK.

fark said...

i'll make sure not to buy that one.

mather said...

Fark's not gonna buy one. Noted.